Cyclocross Heckling Rules-Ohio Style

I may be getting ahead of myself, but I have cyclocross, and a baby, on the brain. Maybe it’s because I feel faster than I have in previous years. I mean faster to me. So here are some rules on heckling. Anyone that knows me knows I love heckling.

Heckling. I hear that in some states, it’s actually a profession. I found these rules online and I am not the original author. I’m not sure who the original author is, but it works. I also edited it for Ohio CX.

Also, there are some Columbus ‘crossers who could stand to read these rules, or get thicker skin. Keep your roadie rage off the course. Remember: This is supposed to be fun!

(Edit: This is a modified version of the Wisconsin Nationals rules proposal posted here: http://www.cxmagazine.com/modest-heckling-proposal-wisconsin-nationals-version)

  1. No touching riders actively racing.
  2. No throwing, spitting, or discharging objects from a device at riders. Even if you know them.
  3. Heckling should rely on wit rather than obscenity, unless it is directed at a member of an Ann Arbor delegation since four letter and one syllable words are about all they process when under duress.
  4. Foul language is permitted as long as there are no children within an acceptable distance. Acceptable distance will be defined as the length of the biggest hill in the race since it is a well-known fact that sound travels downhill.
  5. Hand ups are permitted as long as a person’s body remains behind the course tape. (OK, maybe only if the rider really wants to be disqualified.)
  6.  Acceptable handups include: Beer in cans, paper money, beef jerky, and other awesome food groups such as donuts, Little Debbies, coffee, etc. (See disclaimer on Rule 5)
  7. Unacceptable handups include: Beer in bottles, Canadian paper money, slimy food like baloney, and weather inappropriate items such as hot chocolate on a hot day.
  8. Spraying riders with beer or other liquid is acceptable only if the promoter has designated a portion of the course as a “spray zone.”
  9. Heckling shall be confined to portions of the course a rider is most likely to wipe out and suffer further humiliation.
  10. 10. Acceptable locations include run ups, steep inclines, difficult barriers, mud pits, sand pits, snow banks, or high speed downhill turns.
  11. A rider hopelessly out of contention and suffering shall be heckled excessively, and offered double beer, but no cash.
  12. Costumed hecklers, will be given priority placement along the course tape. Clarification: Wearing a football jersey does not count as a costume.
  13. Excessively drunk obnoxious hecklers will streak upon request. What’s the good of getting loaded if you can’t take your clothes off at a sporting event in the middle of winter?
  14. Heckling requires a minimum group of two persons. A group of less than two hecklers will be considered lame losers and risk being heckled by riders for their lamosity. Solo hecklers armed with megaphones shall not require teams. This is applicable to and shall include all foreigners, and people from Michigan.
  15. Priority heckling position will be given to those with voice or noise amplifying instruments such as air horns or electronically powered megaphones as long as they provide scores games in action such as the Browns or Bengals.
  16. Onsite amendments are deferred to the first guy to show up with a keg or the first guy to start giving away beer. The beer makes the leader, the leader does not make the beer. In the event of tie, the winner is the person with the most Ohio made beer yet to be drunk.
  17. Unicorn Rule: All rules are null and void if a unicorn with a rainbow tail shows up.
  18. Foreigner/Michigan Rule: All foreigners, and Michigander, are exempt from rules because “they just do not understand.”
  19. Throwing snowballs at riders: Shall be limited to riders in costume, riders taking handups, and masters category 3-5 (they need some upgrade motivation.) Absolutely no ice-balls.
  20. Fire, fireworks, and other pyrotechnics are permitted according to venue rules, as long as none are discharge directly at an active racer.
  21. Concealed weapons are not permitted, unless you are an official who needs to stick a starting pistol in your pants gangster style.

Feel free to print these out or include in a PowerPoint in order to better educate riders and spectators.

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Dale Holmes is Coming to Columbus: Cobra BMX

Did you know that Columbus has an awesome BMX track? Well now you do! To make it even better, a 5 time World BMX Champ is coming July 2nd!

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Break Time: Tour de Grandview

Tour De Grandview
Tour De Grandview (Photo credit: simplyliving)

Taking a break from writing for a bit as I prepare for a bicycle race that I was talked into. The race?

The Tour de Grandview

From the website:

The Tour de Grandview Cycling Classic attracts an international field of several hundred professional cyclists to central Ohio each year, as well as cycling enthusiasts and spectators from throughout the Midwest. The Tour de Grandview is organized by the non-profit Grandview Community Association with the support of the City of Grandview Heights and a host of local volunteers and corporate sponsors.

The Tour features world-class bicycle racing through the streets of suburban Grandview, as well as a number of events and activities for spectators and cyclists alike. The races feature both men and women cyclists in multiple professional categories as well as Juniors. The course is designed to delight spectators with fast-paced action, sharp turns, and down-to-the-wire excitement as the pros close in on the finish line. The event also spawns an enjoyable collection of yard parties, neighborhood gatherings and family reunions that give the races a fun and festive feel.

Yeah. It’s crazy. If you’ve never been to a bicycle race in Columbus, Ohio, this is the one to go to. There is an accompanying street festival with a beer tent. A BEER TENT. All sorts of vendors are present from local bike shops to food. Live music is playing as well. The racing is spectacular. Local racers as well as regional pros come out for this race. Even better: the pros are racing under the lights! That’s right, nighttime racing in Grandview Heights. So as I take a break, and load up on articles, contemplate a trip to the race in Grandview. First race is off at 6:30 p.m. That’s the hot mess I’ll be in. Then stick around for the rest of the races if not the festivities!